Funny divorce letter!!! PG13

Discussion in 'Jokes Forum' started by Farallon 25, Apr 15, 2004.

  1. Farallon 25
    Offline

    Dear Connie,
    >
    >
    > I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our
    cooling
    > off period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
    >
    > The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just
    the
    > wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first
    one
    > to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come
    crawling
    > back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
    cost
    > me a lot of things.
    >
    > I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad
    > anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
    >
    > Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is
    > what my heart says: There's no one like you, Connie. I look for you in the
    > eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.
    > They're not even close.
    >
    > Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.
    I
    > don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my
    > desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies
    that
    > only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean,
    > just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just
    > wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being
    > blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important
    in
    > our lives. It's all so superficial.
    >
    > What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in
    this
    > case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better
    > person?
    >
    > Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt
    > it.
    >
    > And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just
    > growing up a little.
    >
    > Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found
    > myself thinking, Why do I feel so drained and empty? It wasn't just her
    > flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.
    Some
    > nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
    >
    > And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to
    > watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
    > Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just
    > reminds me of you.
    >
    > Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge
    last
    > year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she
    > figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what
    she
    > meant till later, but that's not the real story.
    >
    > Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're
    > banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the
    > sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when
    > she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can
    > hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
    > grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it,
    > right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me
    sad,
    > too. Cause I can't help thinking, Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on
    > the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used
    > it as a sex toy.
    >
    > Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I
    > mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her
    > shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
    She's
    > given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's
    > pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is.
    >
    > So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier
    > times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do
    is
    > think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just
    about
    > makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole an*l
    > thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about
    > trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
    > But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
    > cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
    > It's true, Connie. In
    > your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just
    wipe
    > out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
    >
    > If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can
    you
    > let me know where the f***ing remote is.
    >
    >
    > Love, Dan.
  2. Surfdoc
    Offline

    LOL LOL LOL LOL..................... Yea good stuff!
  3. Kurt
    Offline

    LMAO.............that is great

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